Daniel &the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
by technetium
Summary: Daniel Jackson is having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.


Title: Daniel Jackson and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Author: Technetium

Rating: G

Season: Eighth, nothing major

Category: Humor/General/Parody

Archive: Sure, just tell me.

Summary: A parody of the children's book

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG-1, at least in this reality. I do own a ribbon device I made out of tin foil and electrical wires, but that's neither here nor there (email for instructions). I also don't own the book _Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day_ by Judith Viorst. There are a lot of run on sentences, but it's a parody of the original text, which can be found at w w w (dot)fromtheheartpostcards(dot)com(slash)ICQ(slash)alexander(dot)html

* * *

I went to sleep on the desk in my office and now there's a crick in my neck, and when I woke up to the Unscheduled Offworld Activation alarm and rushed out the door, I tripped over an artifact and by mistake I grabbed the decaffeinated coffee instead of the real stuff and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. 

Near breakfast time, SG-11 came home with an alien treasure trove, and Jack got a big honkin' space gun from the treasure trove and Sam found a Naquada-powered piece of technology from the treasure trove but all I found was a rock. And it didn't even have any writing on it. I think I'll move to Atlantis.

We tested the flight controls on the Ancient time travel device, and in the ship, Jack got to sit in the pilot's seat. Teal'c and Sam got seats by the windows too. I said I was being scrunched by the other scientists. I said it wasn't really necessary for be to be there getting smushed. I said if Jack didn't stop doing barrel-rolls I was going to be sick. No one even answered. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At the briefing today, Jack liked Teal'c's presentation on the state of the rebel Jaffa better than my presentation on the similarities between the native culture of P3X-895 and that of ancient Babylon. He said I tended to babble on and on. When I was translating the numbering system of a new alien language, Sam pointed out that I forgot zero again. Who needs zero? It's not even a real number anyway. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Jack said I wasn't his best friend anymore. He said that Teal'c was his best friend and that Sam Carter was his next best friend and that I was only his third best friend. "I hope you are inundated by paperwork," I said to him. "I hope the next time you get a piece of pie in the commissary it falls on the floor and into a temporal vortex and winds up in Atlantis." It wasn't my best comeback.

At lunchtime Sam got a big bowl of blue Jello and Jack got pie with ice cream on top (which didn't fall on the floor at all) and Teal'c got the last of the jelly rolls with little sprinkles on top. Guess who was in line after Teal'c and had to settle for lemon Jello? It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Before our mission, we had to get our annual physicals and the doctor found a new food allergy just in me. I knew it was a bad idea to have that lemon Jello. "Come back next week, and I'll do some more tests to make sure you aren't allergic to any other artificial colorings," said the doctor. "Next week," I said, "I'm going to Atlantis."

On the way down to the gateroom, the elevator door closed on my foot, and while we were waiting for Sam on the ramp, I tripped over my shoelaces and banged my knee on the grating, and a new member of SG-3 snickered at "the geek" and while I was defending myself Sam strode up the ramp and told me to stop picking on the new guy. "I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day," I told everybody. No one even answered.

The inhabitants of P4C-225 wanted us all to wear native garb. They gave Sam a comfortable outfit and Teal'c and the marines were allowed to choose functional stylish garments, but when they got to me, the seamstress said they were all out. They made me wear an itchy robe that looked like a clown suit, but they can't make me like it.

When we went to explore the temple, the high priest said I couldn't touch the altar, but I forgot, and we had to go through a three-hour purification ceremony. He also said not to touch the statues along the wall, and I was as careful as could be except for my elbow, and we had to spend another hour rearranging the statues. He also said not to fool around with the DHD, but I think I dialed Atlantis. The natives said, "Please don't come back anymore." It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There was a Goa'uld on the planet, and I hate Goa'ulds. We ran towards the Stargate, and Jaffas shot at us with their staff weapons, and I hate staff weapons. My arm got singed, I stubbed my toe running towards the gate, and I hit my head on the ramp as I came tumbling through the gate into the SGC. The doctor said I had to stay overnight in the infirmary, and I had to wear a hospital gown. I hate hospital gowns. The bed was uncomfortable and my pillow fell on the floor, and the nurse had to try three times before she found my vein. It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

_Jack, Sam and Teal'c walked into the infirmary after their debriefing to find a tired archaeologist lying down and looking completely miserable. Jack grabbed a new pillow from a nurse's cart and put it under Daniel's head, to replace the one gathering dustbunnies under the bed. "How ya feeling, Danny-boy?" he asked._

_"Not so good, really," sighed Daniel. "I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."_

_"I am most concerned to hear that, Daniel Jackson. Is there anything we may do to be of assistance?" queried the Jaffa._

_"You could help me get a transfer to Atlantis." Daniel didn't have much hope of that happening, but he asked anyway._

_Three voices spoke at the same time._

_"Over my dead body!"_

_"Daniel, we need you here!"_

_"I believe that would be most unwise."_

_Sam pulled out a 5th Avenue bar and smiled as she handed it to Daniel. "If we can't convince you to stay, at least do it for the chocolate."_

I munched my chocolate and looked at my friends. It was getting better, but it still had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My team says some days are like that.

Even in Atlantis.

* * *

Author's Notes: Please let me know what you think. There's no equivalent to the italicized portion in the book, but I couldn't just leave Daniel like that without some love from his teammates. I was going to leave this as a stand-alone, but I could be convinced to write about other members of the SGC having terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days if people tell me which character they want to see. If you liked the best friends part, you should really read Layton Colt's story, _The Nature of Best Friends_, which can be found at w w w (dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)s(slash)2007145(slash)1(slash). It's hilarious, true to character, and just absolutely wonderful. 


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